BEIGE-ing OLYMPICSOkay,
I wasn't gonna blog about the Olympics cuz everyone's got a patriotic
boner over it all and I'm still getting flack for not thinking that God
himself put the reel of Batman: the Dark Knight
onto theater projectors nationwide. (sorry!! maybe I need to see it
again, but the first time I fell asleep. and I'm not blaming the 3
beers that was in me. I'm just not). Back to the XXIX Olympiad. Please
just hand Phelps the rest of the Gold Medals. In fact, just put a
shitload into a black pot in his living room and have a rainbow lead
him to it. I get it. He's amazing. If Obama's smart he'll make him his
running mate. And, NO! I'm not a hater. I really do think he deserves
every single accolade and I'm sure he's a stand-up kid. I don't even
think that all this laud will eventually go to his head and turn him
into a date rapist or an underground dog-fighting kingpin. I really
don't. He's even inspired me to do laps in my pool. And miraculously I
haven't drowned… yet…even after I swam right into one of those floating
chlorine contraptions. (I must have been going in world record time cuz
it really hurt.) But
come on, Phelps Phever is getting just a wee bit old. They should have
at least put his doubtful wins towards the end of the games. Now he's
slated to win the rest of these golds with no problem. Snoooozer. Last
nights relay wasn't nail-biting at all (and if I'm not biting my nails,
I'm probably biting into a pork chop which is negating all those laps
I'm doing). There HAS to be other interesting stories and events going
on in the games. I know waaaay too much about swimming and Michael
Phelps. I mean, he should be good! With his height, his
double-jointedness, his training since he was 11, I'm surprised he
hasn't naturally grown gills. (btw, is it just me or is he two catfish
whiskers away from looking like a bottom feeder?) What
about the inner city kid who realized after a driveby that he's really
talented and now has a chance to win the Men's 25m Pistol Shooting in
this years Olympics? What about the soccer team who all got such a bad
case of athlete's foot that they all learned that odd Olympic sport of
Handball and are now in medal contention? I'm not asking for Special
Olympic-type tear-jerker stories, just some other stories other than
Phelp's ritual preswim arm flap and how his mom is his big inspiration
(despite her weird blouses). Did you know that backhand smashes in
badminton can reach 125mph? There just has to be some crazy welts,
injuries, feats of athleticism, come-from-behind stories outside of the
awe inspiring WATER CUBE (which by the way, I'm hoping they turn into a
winter sports arena and change it's name to the ICE CUBE). Or,
if all cameras are going to be pointed in THE CUBE can they make it a
little more interesting? Can they make that moving "world record line"
an actual laser beam? Can they have synchronized swimmers do a little
choreographed underwater ballet at the far end of the pool while world
records are being smashed? Can they pour quick-setting cement into the
pool so that whoever doesn't finish the race in time will be stuck and
humiliated until the chisels come out? It's the 2008 olympics guys! I
saw Arnold Schwarzenegger's "The Running Man". That's what I'm expecting now… but underwater! Don't
worry, I'm not even going to gripe about all the Gymnastics that are
being telecast. The competition is much closer in that arena. Plus, I
can't complain when barely pubescent girls are catching 4 inch balance
beams with their kooch (sorry guys, these girls are gonna be hard to
impress). Though I would love it if all the Gymnastic men would all get
together and half would do backflips while the other half would sing a
round of "We are the lollipop kids"! I think even Russia and Georgia would put their bombs down for a second for that one. Look
NBC, if you're gonna preempt my regular shows with the best athletes in
the world for a couple of weeks, please give a little more airtime to
the other 98% of athletes competing. Or at the least, show more
interviews between Bob Costas and Bella Karolyi or Bob Costas and
George W. or ALL THREE! They're hilarious.
Keep these games colorful and exciting and prevent them from turning into the BEIGE-ing Olympics. Screw the laps, where's my porkchop. | 
