Okay, I wasn't gonna blog about the Olympics cuz everyone's got a patriotic boner over it all and I'm still getting flack for not thinking that God himself put the reel of Batman: the Dark Knight onto theater projectors nationwide. (sorry!! maybe I need to see it again, but the first time I fell asleep. and I'm not blaming the 3 beers that was in me. I'm just not).

Back to the XXIX Olympiad.

Please just hand Phelps the rest of the Gold Medals. In fact, just put a shitload into a black pot in his living room and have a rainbow lead him to it. I get it. He's amazing. If Obama's smart he'll make him his running mate. And, NO! I'm not a hater. I really do think he deserves every single accolade and I'm sure he's a stand-up kid. I don't even think that all this laud will eventually go to his head and turn him into a date rapist or an underground dog-fighting kingpin. I really don't. He's even inspired me to do laps in my pool. And miraculously I haven't drowned… yet…even after I swam right into one of those floating chlorine contraptions. (I must have been going in world record time cuz it really hurt.)

But come on, Phelps Phever is getting just a wee bit old. They should have at least put his doubtful wins towards the end of the games. Now he's slated to win the rest of these golds with no problem. Snoooozer. Last nights relay wasn't nail-biting at all (and if I'm not biting my nails, I'm probably biting into a pork chop which is negating all those laps I'm doing). There HAS to be other interesting stories and events going on in the games. I know waaaay too much about swimming and Michael Phelps. I mean, he should be good! With his height, his double-jointedness, his training since he was 11, I'm surprised he hasn't naturally grown gills. (btw, is it just me or is he two catfish whiskers away from looking like a bottom feeder?)

What about the inner city kid who realized after a driveby that he's really talented and now has a chance to win the Men's 25m Pistol Shooting in this years Olympics? What about the soccer team who all got such a bad case of athlete's foot that they all learned that odd Olympic sport of Handball and are now in medal contention? I'm not asking for Special Olympic-type tear-jerker stories, just some other stories other than Phelp's ritual preswim arm flap and how his mom is his big inspiration (despite her weird blouses). Did you know that backhand smashes in badminton can reach 125mph? There just has to be some crazy welts, injuries, feats of athleticism, come-from-behind stories outside of the awe inspiring WATER CUBE (which by the way, I'm hoping they turn into a winter sports arena and change it's name to the ICE CUBE).

Or, if all cameras are going to be pointed in THE CUBE can they make it a little more interesting? Can they make that moving "world record line" an actual laser beam? Can they have synchronized swimmers do a little choreographed underwater ballet at the far end of the pool while world records are being smashed? Can they pour quick-setting cement into the pool so that whoever doesn't finish the race in time will be stuck and humiliated until the chisels come out? It's the 2008 olympics guys! I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger's "The Running Man". That's what I'm expecting now… but underwater!

Don't worry, I'm not even going to gripe about all the Gymnastics that are being telecast. The competition is much closer in that arena. Plus, I can't complain when barely pubescent girls are catching 4 inch balance beams with their kooch (sorry guys, these girls are gonna be hard to impress). Though I would love it if all the Gymnastic men would all get together and half would do backflips while the other half would sing a round of "We are the lollipop kids"! I think even Russia and Georgia would put their bombs down for a second for that one.

Look NBC, if you're gonna preempt my regular shows with the best athletes in the world for a couple of weeks, please give a little more airtime to the other 98% of athletes competing. Or at the least, show more interviews between Bob Costas and Bella Karolyi or Bob Costas and George W. or ALL THREE! They're hilarious.

Keep these games colorful and exciting and prevent them from turning into the BEIGE-ing Olympics.

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